this is a really bad night for me. a really, really bad night. i don't even wanna talk about it. sigh. deep sigh.

i woke up this morning with a splitting, heavy headache. the sky told me it was gonna rain. so i figured maybe that was the cause of my headache. i took a tablet of paracetamol but that didn't work. grrr.

during class, i got severe abdominal pains again. he was sitting behind me, and when i told him about it, he massaged my nape. i don't know why he did it, but i didn't see any connection as to how the pain would subside if he massaged my nape. haha. but it felt good. and i'm angry at myself because it felt good. nung nawala yung sakit, then bumalik ulit, he touched my arm... then maybe he noticed that he was being touchy-feely so he pinched my arm after saying "kurutin na lang kita para malipat ung sakit dito." i used to tell him that, whenever he felt pain. i'd say "baliin na lang natin daliri mo, para malipat doon yung sakit." sigh. those were the days. grrr.

then he texted me in class.. about our classmates who used to be a couple. they were sitting beside each other and they were fighting... in class! so we talked about them: how i was so irritated with the guy because he's such a flirt, then he mentioned butting in but he said the girl might fall for him if he did... i asked him why he said the girl might fall for him.. he said it was a joke... when the topic was about my girlfriends telling me to use another phone to try and flirt with the guy to see if kakagat siya, then when i told him that the guy kept on looking at me then beloved said "yaan mo na" after i texted back and said "belat. gutom na ko." he didn't reply. nainis ako. kasi ayan na naman siya eh. bigla na lang hindi magpaparamdam. bibitinin na naman ako. ayaw ko na umasa!!! umasa na sa bawat sasabihin ko, magrerespond siya. hirap talaga ng ganito. na mahal mo pa siya, pero ayaw na niya. lalo na kapag nakahanap na siya ng iba diba? pero since ngayon wala pa siya sinasabi... walang reason para umiwas. hindi ko talaga magawang tumingin sa iba. nakakainis. siya lang, siya lang at siya lang. grrrr.

i'm really, really worried. about my ovaries. why do they hurt so much and so often? i really, really need to get them checked. grrr.

hmm.... i forwarded a quote to a few friends which said "do you believe in this quote? if two past lovers remain friends, it's either they are still in love or they never were.." one of them replied and said "i dunno.." i texted back and said "it got me thinking if it's true.." then she said "you think too much.." then i thought, who was she to tell me that i think too much? she doesn't even know me. i can say she doesn't know me because we were only introduced to each other last june. and we seldom get the chance to talk. and i just hate it when people do that. when people judge me just like that. yes, maybe i do think too much at times. but it doesn't reach a point wherein i over think. she also said "sometimes there are things that shouldn't be overthinked." yes, i was thinking if the sent message was true, but i wasn't overdoing it. i was done pondering on the text when i sent it to her. and it was a rhetorical question. it wasn't supposed to be answered. i just wanted to get across the message. because beloved and i are still friends. i mean, we still talk. so were we never in love in the first place or is it because we're still in love? well.. as far as i'm concerned, i still love him. i don't know if it's the same with him. hahaha. well, sabi niya mahal pa niya ko. but then that was a week ago. a lot can happen in a day. which means a lot can happen in a week. sigh. i figured that the reason for staying friends with a past love is not limited to those two reasons. there are other factors. i just don't like it when people judge me. especially if they don't even know me enough to do so. grrr.

it's official! this is the third night in a row na tumawag si beloved. the first one was about something, i forgot what. last night was about something i asked him. but this night he apologized. i got offended by what he said... when i answered the phone, the first thing he said was "suplada!"
"hindi ah. nagtetext nga ko sayo ngayon eh."
"wag ka na magalit. nangaasar lang naman ako eh."
then sabi ko "hindi ako galit. di ko lang feel na sinasabihan ng ganon."
"sorry."
"ok."
then he got an incoming call, he answered it. by the time he returned, we didn't have anything to talk about. i mean, he was quiet. i was quiet. well... he said he had to go home early 'cause his tummy was aching. so i asked him about it. then there was silence again. it felt like the first time we talked. when we were both stopping ourselves from saying something that would appear as if we cared for the other. well... i was stopping myself from expressing my feelings. i'm not quite sure what his reasons are. are we playing games here? i just hate this. grrr.

July 5, 2006 (10:38pm)
finally... here i am. about to move on. i was already feeling the day coming by so fast. i really felt like the day that i can finally say that "i have moved on" is within my reach.

then i talk to a certain common friend of ours. when i told her about this, she said "e di mabuti."

is it?

then i tell her... "grabe kaya ko palang kumain nang kasama ko sila." she answers "mabuti yun para di sila manggarapal." then she says "hindi na pala siya aalis (punta states)." i answer "uu. ang sweet niya no? di na siya aalis dahil kay beloved." i just gave out a laugh. a really fake one.

sigh. why do i feel like this? i was fine before i talked to this friend of ours. i knew i could do it... i knew i could move on and it was nearing. then suddenly i hear this. then i feel this. i thought my crying days were over... i was wrong. because now i feel like crying. i feel like crawling into my bed, put a blanket over my head and cry myself to sleep.

para kasi sa akin... hindi sila. wala silang kahit anong relasyon kundi pagkakaibigan lang. dahil yun ang sinasabi nila. dahil yun ang pinaniniwalaan ko... yung sinasabi nilang dalawa sa akin. pero kasi kung sila... ang tibay naman ng sikmura nung babae... na nakakaya niyang marinig na sinabi ni beloved sakin na "ano oras ka uwi? antayin mo ko makabalik? ang sweet mo naman." diba?

then ung iniimply ng sinabi ng friend namin is.. "move on dear. wag ka na umasa, dahil sila na."

what should i do? how should i react? how can i get up tomorrow and face him with a smile on my face when all i wanna do is cry? i hate this. why does everything feel so wrong?

and how come i still yearn for him so?

i woke up this morning and realized that i didn't cry the whole day yesterday. is that a good thing? well... i didn't cry but i was irritated at him. i don't like the fact that whenever i text him, he doesn't reply. even if it's just about school. like i'm gonna give him valuable info, and i wouldn't even get a single "thank you"? he used to thank me for texting stuff about school, but now? not a word.

he said he'd always be there for me. but i don't think i believe that. i texted him last night, he replied after 20minutes. makakatulog na nga sana ko eh. tsaka dapat di na ko magreply kasi bad trip ako. nandyan lang siya para sakin tapos tagal-tagal niya sumagot? paano kung emergency? grrrr. actually masakit puson ko kagabi. the left side lang. it would hurt every minute and last for like a few seconds. it wasn't as severe as before but still, it hurt. i wasn't able to finish the siege in ragna. but he called after and told me to rest.

i wanted to ask him something. i wanted to ask him why is it that whenever he opens a topic that is related to us, then whenever i would react, he'd close the topic as soon as he opened it. naiinis na ko eh. i mean, magtetext siya tapos pag nagreact ako... di siya magrereply or sasabihin niya change topic na lang. haaaayy... kakainis. parang feeling ko magdadrop siya ng bomb sakin tapos pag binato ko pabalik sa kanya, wala na siya, di niya sasaluhin... sasabog na lang and i'm the one who gets affected by the impact. either di siya magrereply, matagal siya magreply tapos sasabihin niya "change topic nlng pls." grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... kakainis!!!!!!!

after i asked the question through text, he called. his answer was "ikaw kasi eh. grabe ka magreact eh." ok... so it's my fault? fine. sigh.